Me, myself with my nose pressed up against love's glass...

I'm almost 32, and a Mormon, which means that most of my friends were married with children a decade ago. They have houses, rose bushes, dogs, blogs, pickett fences... homes full of laughter and diapers and crayons. Me... I have three bikes, two pairs of skis, a beat-up car that gets fantastic gas milage, a 75-gallon capacity backpack, and trekking poles.

My friends are settled... I am always on the go. I have greatly enjoyed the opportunities I've had as a single woman - to teach English in Asia, to go skinny-dipping in remote mountain areas with friends on a whim - but it has sometimes seemed that, despite my nomadic lifestyle, I am the one who is never, really, going anywhere. I have been in several serious relationships, have tried - for years at a time - to will myself to feel whatever it was - that magic, elusive element that made people want to, no, that made people capable of committing to spend their life with another person. I have driven myself mad trying, and the loneliness has been paralyzing at times. Oh, how I have longed for that house of poop and dumped-out cereal boxes...

And then I met Tim, and I finally (finally) understand what, "You'll just know" means. I know.

Last Friday night, I took a pregnancy test because I was feeling a bit off kilter.  And there it was... the faintest line that showed up after a minute. Really, the faintest line, that I had to hold at just the right angle to see what I wasn't sure was even there. I told myself I was just seeing things, and I went to bed.

Saturday I went hiking. After about a half hour, I had to stop and sit down. My pulse was too rapid to count, and I could not only feel it, I could hear it. When I sat down, I had a series of fainting spells. That evening I took another test - another barely perceptible line. I showed it to Tim, who declared me a lunatic.

The next morning I took another test - it was still faint, but definitely a line. Monday I went to the health clinic and my doctor did a urine test and said I definitely wasn't pregnant. So I took two more home tests, and they both said pregnant. I went back to the clinic for a serum test and... I have a 9-celled clump of cells growing in my uterus!

The circumstances are not ideal, I know this. My family will likely be embarrassed, upset and disappointed that I'm not married yet, but I guess we - they and I - are getting used to my seeming inabilty to do things the prescribed way and hopefully they will be supportive despite our different approaches to life. I will do the best I can from here, and we'll get through this.

And I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been. Ever.

I have cramps, I'm tired. Tired. Tired. And did I mention the cramps? And I haven't stopped crying for 3 days because I'm so happy.