Affirmations

These are the things I believe:

• Credit cards do more harm than good.
• Sunscreens do more good than harm.
• Macey's is the only True and Living grocery store.
• Antibacterial soaps should be used sparingly. Like steak.
• Women should feel free to breastfeed their children in public places if they want to.
  Seventh Generation "organic" toilet paper is the worst product ever made, disintegrates upon contact with air, and results in bodily waste on your fingers.
• Whether you stay home with your children is neither a good indicator of intelligence (I know plenty of super-crazy-smart SAHMs and plenty of super-stupid grad students / professionals.... and vice-versa), nor good mother-ness-ship (I know plenty of super-crappy SAHMs and plenty of super-awesome-loving mothers who work... and vice-versa). Feminist efforts should be about equal opportunity and fairness - not living some formulaic lifestyle that validates other feminists' choices. So basically,
• People should live and let live. Within reason. Lengthy discussion to follow with Peter regarding clause "within reason."
• Jesus's most important message was to love one another.

That's about it. I used to have a much longer list of personal convictions, but life and experience wore most of them out of me. Before I was a science nerd (biology), I was a super science nerd (math/physics) and spent a lot of time working out proofs and thinking about theorems. You know, "If... then... " statements and such. Things are so tidy in math. I liked that. Not so much in life.

An important part of human development is understanding cause and effect relationships. If you touch fire, your hand will hurt; if you use Seventh Generation toilet paper, your hand will stink. However, looking or relying on such absolute certainties when it comes to humans or emotions or love doesn't work nearly as tidily as stating, "If two points lie on a plane, the line containing them also lies on the plane." People are multifaceted, changing, complicated creatures. For example, I used to hate beets, and now I love them. See how deep and complex I am?

I've been thinking a lot about decisions and their consequences. Should I let my baby cry-it-out? Should I allow myself a can of Diet Coke once a day? Should I read her Shakespeare or P.D. Eastman? Should I make her sleep in a crib all the time to foster independence or should I allow her to sleep on my chest to foster bonding? How can I child-proof my house so that she will never, ever, and I mean EVER get so much as a paper cut.

A few years ago I was a student at BYU trying to make a decision regarding a love interest. I wrote "pros and cons" lists. Assigned points, even. I thought of a thousand different considerations. One afternoon I was running along the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, trying to reason out these weighty matters. I finally stopped, in tears, and thought... I can't decide anything... there are no guarantees. And then I realized that that was the answer. There are no guarantees.

Maybe I would live happily-ever-after with so-and-so, and maybe I would end up single ... in my thirties. Gasp.

There was no way to know, really. All I could do was make the best decision given the information I had, and hope for the best. I finally heard what my friend Kendall kept trying to tell me - that life doesn't culminate at some arbitrary endpoint called death, where somebody deems it either a success or failure based on a list of "good" and "bad" outcomes; that life is now, is continuous, is dynamic. At the time, I was all transcendentist-like, so I was carrying some paper and penned:

There are no guarantees
You can climb every mountain
And ford every stream
And examine every stone and stigma for secrets
But this trail won’t be here in ten years.

Go ahead.
Magnify flagella and Neptune under carefully crafted lenses
Plot patterns and trends on neatly Cartesianed paper
Elucidate transduction pathways of molecules and societies.
But don’t be alarmed -
Today’s luminous discoveries will be scoffed at tomorrow.

Go ahead.
Breathe your Nepalese mountains
Look to Kant, to Jung, to Nietzsche.
But your canonized scripts might be wrong, too
And your constructs as fallible as Pisa.

You can love me or not, but please don’t ask me to sign my name
In blood
Or ink
Or promises to never change;
I will.

Because even the most scintillian structures in atoms dance erratically in waves
And the noncompliant universe breathes in
While we spin madly about,
Breathes out.

Don’t be alarmed.

Today I am taking some deep breaths and reminding myself: there are no guarantees. I will likely do something, sometime, that will permanently damage my child. She will encounter pain, sorrow, and regret, and there is little I can do to prevent it. So I'm trying to shift my paradigm a bit from, "How can I ensure my child has the most charmed and perfect life ever to be beset a child under heaven," to "I'll try my best to let my child feel how utterly she is loved and adored and wanted." I'll teach her how to keep on keepin' on. To forgive. To give. And maybe, during the continuum of her life, she will know more acceptance than heartache; more joy than disappointment; more kinship than loneliness; more hope than fear.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

But this I can guarantee: she will know love.

Perspective II

Dear World,

My name is Squiggles. I am almost 3 months old! During my mortal probation, I have been busy eating, eating, and eating. Sometimes I eat for 2 or 3 hours straight... that's Actually how I got fat. Check out the Michelins on my thighs!

I went to the doctor's Monday, and I weigh 11 pounds! I've also ditched my conditions of being orange and acne-fied.

And developed very pretty, blue eyes.

Don't worry, I still love to fart. It's my favorite thing to do.

P.S. I'm getting better, but I still go cross-eyed when I try to look at my mommy. I think it's because she has werewolf eyebrows, so I try to refocus, hoping they'll look more human.

Week 4

Aunt Cami requested a "perspective" picture of Amelia next to another object to see how little / skinny she is. We chose Lance's camera since it was about the same size and girth:
We've been trying to give Amelia more tummy time. She likes it as much as her mother likes anchovies. As in... willing to give it (them) a shot, but is filled with horror after a few seconds.

Have I mentioned that Tim's chest is Amelia's favorite place to just chill?

Grandma is very good about actually speaking to the baby and engaging her. They have a lot of great chats about life.

Grandpa and Amelia mostly like to cuddle.

I just take pictures. A lot of them.

We bought tickets to fly home... from Denver. Road trip ahead!

Week 3

Two big milestones this week. The first is that we visited Dr. O'Dell and Amelia now weighs 6 pounds!! We're so proud - just look at the chunkster:

He said she was doing much better than he would expect for a baby born so early, and that she continues to be a "star." He also said we could start putting rubbing alcohol on her cord to expedite its departure from her person. I think she just wanted to hold onto a little piece of me.

Secondly, I set Amelia on the bed this evening, and she rolled over onto her stomach. I'm sure she didn't mean to - she's just so wiry and squiggly and skinny. I tried to get her to do it on camera, but of course she didn't. She is cute, though, so I've included the video (previously posted on my regular blog).

Thanks Jason and Jennie for actually finding a preemie outfit with long sleeves! Our little peanut doesn't have enough fat to keep herself warm yet.

We've enjoyed relaxing at Grandpa and Grandma's especially because Grandma has a hot dinner on the table every night and insists on doing dishes herself... what a pleasant introduction to motherhood - all I have to do is feed the baby, and cuddle with her and my husband.

Amelia spends a lot of one-on-one time with Tim. Here they are watching a Bruins game and discussing the upcoming NFL draft. When Tim asks her opinions, Amelia responds by drooling, passing gas, or emptying her bowels.

I'm told I'll outgrow this phase, but I still think everything Amelia does is adorable and brilliant. Here, I've taken several photos of her... ummm... sleeping.

Week 2

Amelia started looking yellow again toward the end of her first week. We asked the staff to check her bilirubin levels, and they were quite high (17.something) so she had to go back in the special UV crib. Her levels went down after a couple days, so she went back into the isolette. After a couple days in there, she was able to spend her last two days in a regular crib - hurray!

A couple days after my milk came in (which took almost a week), Amelia became strong enough to stop using the SNS line. She started gaining weight rather than losing it, so Dr. O'dell let us take the IV out of her forehead. One of the nurses immediately replaced it with a bow, much to Tim's chagrin (they used KY gel to make it stick, which is really difficult to remove from skin once dried). I was happy to hold her without worrying that I would inadvertantly rip the line from her head and scar her for life.

On Sunday, the doctor told us that Amelia was almost ready to go home. He said she could go home either Monday or Tuesday, and we opted for Tuesday. It was bittersweet news - on the one hand, it would be nice to take her home and cuddle with her as long as we pleased. On the other hand, as much as I hated all the lines and IVs and monitors, there was a certain comfort in knowing that if she stopped breathing or pumping blood through her body, a team of specialists was within ten feet who could come resuscitate her.

Hospitals have strict rules about taking home your child - especially for preemies. The night before her discharge, she had to sit in her carseat for 2 hours while connected to all her monitors to make sure the carseat angles wouldn't impede her ability to stay alive. If she had any "episodes" (heart rate lowering, etc.), she would fail. Luckily, she passed the first time. I sat and watched her the entire time, just in case the monitors failed. We laughed a lot the first time we put her in a car seat... she looked even tinier than usual.

Even though Amelia was finally gaining weight, Dr. O'dell was a little nervous that she wasn't getting as much as she could be, so he instructed us to supplement her nursing with 40-50 mls pumped breastmilk every other feeding, and 2 ounces of a special preemie formula once a day. We could have used the SNS system, but since I have to go back to work eventually, we decided to introduce bottle feeding instead at that point (don't worry, we were working with a lactation specialist). If she had started to reject my breast, we would have discontinued bottles for a while. Happily, this has never been a problem.

Finally the happy and terrifying moment came... we took our little sweetheart "home" to my parents' house.

We decided not to fly back to Boston immediately since her lungs were still premature compared to full-term babies, so we stayed with my parents for a few weeks. We were so luckly to have friends and family who showered us with baby clothes, quilts, and burp cloths. In addition, a special woman named Shawna let us borrow a bassinette - I have no idea what we would have done otherwise.

Having little to do except fawn over our baby, I took roughly a kajillion photos per dium.

We were under strict orders to let the baby sleep as much as possible and cry as little as possible so that she could use all her energy buidling the fat stores that are so necessary in order to regulate her body temperature. We were also under strict orders to severely limit her contact with other humans. We did pretty well, but did have a few very special visitors, including...

My good friend / cousin Marsha:

My parents (who weren't really visitors since we were staying with them):

I love this picture of Amelia holding my dad's finger with her tiny hand.

A close up:

My brother Lance and his wife Dani, who were really, really good about coming to visit us. They both brought various baked goods and treats to help fatten me up, which in turn helped fatten Amelia up. Actually, I probably didn't need to be fattened up, but I ate the doughnuts, cinnamon bread, and other treats just to be safe.

My friend Melinda, who grew up across the street from us and is like a sister, came several times and kept bringing presents. She said she just couldn't stop. We went to the Walmart where she works, and she called all of her coworkers over to see the baby. A few minutes later, a complete stranger tracked us down in the diaper aisle and said, "Melinda said I had to come see your baby."

While we were in the hospital, Amelia wore preemie-sized clothes provided by the NICU. When we came home, we realized we only had a couple preemie outfits, so we went to every store in Cache Valley and bought every preemie outfit we could find. Unfortunately, preemie sizes are hard to come by, so we ended up buying several outfits meant for boys. When she was wearing such outfits, my mom would say, "Oh, what a beautiful baby boy you have."

I have serious anxiety regarding SIDS and infant suffocation, so I was surprised to go through my photos and find this picture of Amelia wrapped *loosely* in a blanket. That would never happen these days. :-)

Man, I love this baby.

The first week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHaT3HtQR5c

Amelia's first week of life was quite eventful. She arrived five and a half weeks early. We were quite worried about her since she would be underdeveloped at birth and because there was a possibility that the reason I went into labor early was because something was wrong with her.



She started screaming and wiggling all over the place as soon as she was born, which was a good sign.

In addition to the regular panel of newborn tests, they examined her extensively for signs of infection, lung problems, bilirubin level problems, erratic blood pressure, temperature disregulation and other issues commonly associated with premature infants.

They wrapped her up, let me hold her briefly, and whisked her away to the NICU.

That evening, we pulled some strings (we knew one of the NICU nurses) so that Cami, Karen, and my mom could come into the NICU and see me and the baby (usually the don't allow that many people at one time).

Grandma Lynette was quite taken with our little one.

So was I.

And so was Tim.

It was quite alarming to see our baby attached to so many wires, tubes, and machines. They monitored her blood pressure, pulse, temperature, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation. The doctors and nurses encouraged us to be as involved in her care as possible.

We quickly got into a routine of coming down every three hours. Tim (or I, but usually Tim) would take her temperature, move her oxygen sensor to the opposite foot, and change her diaper.

I wanted to breastfeed Amelia, but her mouth was too little to form a proper latch, so one of the lactation specialists helped us learn SNS nursing (Supplemental Nursing System). I placed a silicon nipple shield over my nipple that was much easier for the baby to latch onto than a bare nipple. We then threaded a tube into the shield that we could syringe my pumped collastrum and later milk into. This helped Amelia practice breastfeeding without having to put a tube down her throat or give her a bottle too soon. Amelia was able to use this system really well and the doctors and nurses were all really surprised that she ate so well. The common comment was, "She doesn't know how young she is!"

The baby calmed down and seemed to really like it when we put her over our hand to burp her. She would go completely limp and often fell asleep in this position.

The doctors and nurses also encouraged us to do as much "kangaroo care" as we had time for. This is the practice of placing the baby skin-t0-skin against the parent's chest. The baby rests her head next to her mom or dad's heart. This practice has been shown to help regulate temperature and is positively associated with survival and good outcome for premature babies. It is also an awesome way to bond with the baby. Amelia and I would fall asleep like this for hours. The nurses would usually come get her when it was time to go back under the lights or in the incubator, and Amelia would cry her little squeaky-piggy cry as soon as they lifted her away from me.

Having a baby six weeks early who had to stay in the NICU was terrifying, but it was a special time for our little family to be able to spend so much time together during the first precious days and weeks of our baby's life.

Tim came down during every feeding, and helped push the milk through the syringe (it was a complicated operation). We took turns holding her after the feeding, and Tim always said things like, "You're so beautiful, little one."

Thankfully, we were able to stay in a room at the hospital for $15 dollars a night. This allowed us to spend a lot of time with our baby.

The second night in the NICU, Amelia's IV came out of her hand, so they had to put it in her forehead. They assured me that this was safe and wouldn't leave a scar.

On day 3, her bilirubin levels were quite high, so they put her in a special UV bed.

Karen stayed in Utah for an extra week so that she could see Amelia's birth and get to know her a little before heading back to Denver. It was so great to have my sisters around during this scary and exciting time.

My mom and dad also came to visit almost every day Amelia was in the NICU.

We all just liked to sit around and talk about how cute she was.

When her bilirubin levels went down, Amelia had to be put in an isolette (incubator) because she couldn't regulate her body temperature and had a difficult time staying warm.

During this time, we had to limit the amount of time we held her, and could only take her out for feedings. It broke my heart to watch my daughter from the outside.

Tim became good at changing her diaper using the little hand holes in the isolette.

He was a natural from the beginning.

On Saturday, we got a special treat. Mike, Jill, and their kids came to visit. We fibbed and told the NICU guards that Jill was Cami (we could only pick four people to be on our visitor list, so we chose my parents and sisters since they (my sisters) would be leaving town soon). Jill kept saying, "She's seriously the most beautiful premature baby I've ever seen!"

We agreed, of course.